paperwork - reflection of life

august 13 2007


I had to dig up all paperwork from the oldest son, so I decided to do it well and took all letters and forms of all the children to file them.

Never should have done that!

It was quite a huge pile and by the time I'd done it all hours had passed and when the maps were put away I realised that the most important letter wasn't found.
Well, I'm not going through the files again now. Maybe tomorrow.

Seeing all the assessments of the psychiatrists, letters from school, letters to school... it makes clear my children are far from normal.
Well, ofcourse I knew that.
But when you have their stories all in front of you on the table it hard to wonder if normal families have to deal with so much.

I've been bloghopping today (for a research on blogvisits and returnvisits), and I've seen many cute photos of smiling children, proud parents.
Read stories of day to day life.
Read the dreams of pregnant women.

I had the same dreams... and when the babies were born they all seemed to be perfect.

Now the first one soon moves to a traininghouse.
He won't move out, like I did, to a studenthouse and experience all sorts of social circles, have fun and grow.
He will move to other people who deal with his imperfections with professional care. They go home each evening, have their own lives, and he will always experience his own boundaries.

I wish he would have learned more... but he can't...

School starts, and the struggle to give them the best I can.
But there is never the best, nor second best, because the system is made for the average pupil, not for extremely intelligent children with a lack of social abilities, or with severe dyslexia.

On wednesday I remember my little girl.
She died many years ago in my arms after I welcomed her with pure happiness to the world.

I love my children, but sometimes I feel I've failed as a mother.
I know that isn't really true, but I feel that way.
Like that day that I was showering and I saw the breastmilk disappearing in the water.
Yes, my body was OK. But the baby was gone.

All that's left is paperwork.

And the images in my mind...