flu

september 23 2007

Well, the flu, or what it was, really hid hard.
I tried to blog yesterday, but it just didn't work out.

Even lying at the couch and let life pass by didn't work out.
My autistic boy got a meltdown so bad, but even though I had an emotional response, I was too tired to bother.

Then I got a fever, so I went to bed. Listened to the radio and found out that a certain program is aired 4 times this weekend. Exactly the same version. What a waste of radio time.

My lungs were a mess, my head a large balloon under pressure and my muscles too old to tie my bones to the right direction.

I immediately went to the heavy regime with my inhalators. If only I could get the firt out...
Looked for a certain painkiller to get my head under control... there was none.

Being ill in my family...me being ill, is an amazing experience.
The girls were away, so that meant no one bothered to have a look, none thought about bringing me something to drink, let alone some food.

I'm not often ill like this, I don't even have a lof of me-time.
So thoughts and memories had free reighn.

At a feverish time I remembered the room of my gram so clearly, that I could sit down in the large chair and feel the warmt of the coalhearth.
When I stayed with her we used to get up in the morning, light a candle and eat a little bread.
Then she would make tea while I got coal from the cellar in the coalbin.
We both would clean the hearth, try to find gems and diamonds in the dirt, and then fill the hearth with new coal.
I loved to light the long match and see the glowing of the fire spreading, untill the warmth could be felt.
Gram would make us both a cup of tea, some sandwiches with butter.
We would pour sugar on them, and eat with little bites.

I used to be afraid of death, like everyone at a young age, but now I'm not.
My girls would be sad, but I doubt who really minds when I slip away.

When I woke up again, a blackbird was looking into my room.
The sky had an autumn look.
I could have done with a hug from someone stronger than me. I couldn't even remember one, it must be more than 5 years ago... time to party and have a celebration of loneliness.

The neighbour was singing when she cleaned her bedroom. I heard her faintly in the silence.

Then suddenly it was almost dark outside. The trees started whispering, I could hardly hear them as my head hurt so bad.
A lady on the radio read the news. Not for me today. What a luxury.

The girls brought me some bread, they asked me if they should call the doctor. But I don't want a stranger telling me to sit up so that he can put his stethoscope on my aching muscles.

The bread tasted like grounded wood.
I only eat because I don't want to stop taking my diabetes meds, but my throat can hardly tolerate it. So I take a menthol sweet and start controling the bloodsugar after taking the diabetes pill.

My memories start playing around again. I try to cling on the sunday afternoons with my dad, walking in the forest. The huge trees, and spotting birds.
Then I find myself playing in kindergarten in my favorite kitchen.

It's time to have a good shake and have all those memories fall in place and feel better, but instead the night catches up, broken by coughing and trying to turn...