Probably not going to england

june 28 2009


All my life I've zipped away my feelings and as far as I can see I have to keep up sticking them away.

I don't think I'm able to leave for England for a vacation.

There's not enough cooperation here, there's not enough money to pay for a decent B&B or something like that, and too many things still need to be done after MIL died.

She didn't leave an inheritance.
There have been some moneyissues discussed, but I'll leave it at that, because it has nothing to do with us and it's in the past.

Problem is that the whole house needs to be cleared and we live quite far away.
One of the boys doesn't want to help and has withdrawn himself from everything, one of the boys has special needs and promises to do things without doing them.
So that leaves us.

Instead of taking three days free from work (his boss told him he was allowed to do so), and calling those who need to fetch things and ask our boys to help clean the rest, my advice is pushed aside and everything is stretched far into july.
That means the kids will be alone here when I'm in England, and that can't be.

The few days in London, friday and the weekend, are not the main reason to go.
I know London and I like to be there, but the hotel that was booked for us is noisy, in a neighbourhood I don't desire and the room is a 4 bedroom one. Me and my son are sharing it with people we hardly know.
I wanted to put up with it, because I wanted to go to the english hills and spend a week relaxing, but when I can't have a bit of minimal confidence things will be OK, I'm not going.

I feel very sad about this.
Can't find words for it.